Posted on 2006.03.10 at 02:12
My world is a microcosm of my world.
Posted on 2006.03.02 at 03:06
I don't want to be
just another kiss
on your ass.
So I won't say
a damn thing.
Posted on 2006.02.26 at 04:13
Fuck you for not being what I need.
Fuck you for objectifying me.
I'm tired of being your crying shoulder.
Tired of all the misunderstandings...
Tired of being Dear Abby.
I hate you for pretending, saying, but not doing.
I am tired of always being right.
I am not a beautiful flower.
Posted on 2006.02.23 at 01:41
Daughter: Mommy, can you turn off the radio?
Me: Ok, but why?
Daughter: Because I want to make my own music.
Daughter: (singing soulfully) River in my head, all these different thoughts, some are good and bad, never know which ones... .. .. (talking) I don't know if that was very good.
Me: That was very good, smiles.
(conversation about girls and boys)
Me: What's the difference between boys and girls?
Daughter: Boys have short hair?
Me: I have had short hair, so have you, and so has Nana.. and we aren't boys..
Daughter: Ya, but mostly boys have short hair.
Me: Yes, but that isn't why they are boys. Some boys have long hair.
Daughter: (throwing hands in hair and head banging) YA! Like Rock and Roll guys! Ya!
P.s. She does know the difference between boys and girls.
Posted on 2006.02.22 at 01:17
Off I go to dye my hair "Bright Auburn" aka red.. while I still have the nerve.
It turned dark strawberry blonde.
Posted on 2006.02.14 at 04:22
Smile if I love you, cry if I don't.
Posted on 2006.02.04 at 03:53
My friend and I went to first Saturday for the first time in quite awhile..
I wasn't looking for anything really, but looked around some.
The moved the location, the new location is sheltered, but still outdoors..
I think I will miss seeing all the vendors panic when it starts to sprinkle and they
have their laptops all out.. muhahaha..
I stopped by my real reason for going.. The Wurst Wagon!
and had a bratwurst with NOSE BLEED MUSTARD and a funnel cake.. mmmm (sticks tongue out at Alan)
Now I'm home again home again jiggety jig.
I haven't been around online much, but I am still keeping up.
I seriously miss talking to a few people, but I am planning on catching up with them as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
Things are ok, I am taking Fredric's advice as best I can about living more in the present.. He has known me long enough to witness and point out to me that I haven't been "present" in my life for quite some time. He was right, he has told me before, but I am in a better position mentally to take his advice now.
Still confused, but working it out in action instead of forethought.. living despite my not knowing where I am going or even really want to go....
Posted on 2006.01.14 at 19:20
I have to dictate what I think about... this is surely a sign of not having enough time for just myself. If I have to remind myself to sit down and think about something on a stupid schedule... ugh... I have always been a free flowing kind of thinker.. to have to play thought nazi to myself is a pain in the ass.. and I don't even mean avoiding grown up thinking like about the bills... I mean things I WANT to think about, but just never seem to have time to, like scientific theories. I set aside thought blocks in tiny little increments and place them on my to do list... :/ .. this does not please me.
Posted on 2006.01.10 at 19:31
I want a long armed man,
One who can reach me...
A long armed man who can wrap me up
from head to toe.
I need a man with elastic arms.
The kind that stretch when I roam,
Arms I can follow back,
Elastic arms, so I can grow.
I need a man with strong arms.
Ones that won't grow weary and lose hold.
Strong enough to grasp me tightly,
carry me when I'm feeling slow.
I need a man with soft arms, gentle arms,
The kind I can sink into,
Arms that cradle and never say no.
I need a man with fast arms.
Quick enough to find me,
Swift enough to catch me,
Sure enough to not let go.
Posted on 2006.01.09 at 09:31
Looking back on your developmental life.. do you define your stages more by what your friends did, or by what you did?
I feel like I was just watching.. and defining myself by the actions of those around me..
Posted on 2006.01.06 at 03:32
These are my own experiences.. I don't watch the news...
There is a major health crisis erupting.
Everyone is sick, and worse, they are working sick, spreading it. I would say 50% of the people I come in contact with are effected by whatever is going around. The customers are sick, the employees are sick. Some have been to the hospital.. Dallas is a big city... This one is pretty damn contagious. I am considering stocking up on bottled water and meds, etc.. and I am not the "chicken little" type.. I just hope this is a local thing.
Posted on 2006.01.03 at 23:10
I spent so many summers and nights in empty houses, forgotten fields. Some of the houses were being built, some of them were long abandoned. I lived in a special time in my neighborhood.. on the brink of growth. The suburbs were expanding out into the country.. and our house was on a dead street that ended in a patchwork of trees separated by residential roads. It stayed like that, paved roads and curbs making the land into blocks for years. Between the roads, it was untouched. There were all sorts of treasures to be found in the soil.. old farm tools, horse shoes.. even pots and jars. It felt surreal to push down the tall grass and make a little place in the middle to lay and watch the sky. When they started finding crop circles, I knew that it was a hoax... I had made enough on my own in grasses taller than me. The old houses long abandoned were my favorite, but they scared me. There were always wasps nests.. crumbling stairs.. snakes and spiders. I can still feel the dusty red velvet wallpaper as I tried and failed to gather the courage to climb the broken stairs to see what was up them. I can feel the cool marble of a once grand home as I brush away the soft dusty dirt. I can smell the deep green mossy pool with roman statues around it. I always wondered how people could leave homes like this. One day you just move and forget it was ever there? Everyone else forgot too, until the wave of expansion uncovered all these old houses in what used to be the middle of nowhere. Why would someone build grand houses miles from anyone else? There were too many things to ponder. They weren't all grand.. some where just of country folk.. some were hollow basements left after fires.. some were scattered pieces blown away by tornadoes.. but they were everywhere.
It took them 5 years to build the houses on the land they had begun developing. Complete houses stood with no one around to watch them. There were no neighbors.. no passers by.. just a maze of brand new houses to explore.. sneak in.. unlock a window.. sneak back and pretend it's all mine. The smell of fresh paint and plaster.. new carpet... the echo through an empty house and no fear of being found. Down a little further was a large hill with nothing around it.. just light grass.. when you got to the top of the hill.. it went straight down into deep water. You couldn't really get down there to see how deep it was, without getting stuck or falling in. It was like a giant ant-lion trap for wandering teens. I still have no idea how deep it was.. I only know that anything thrown in it.. sunk out of view. After a few years, they leveled it all out and a house sits on top of that pit now.. I wonder if it will sink?
There was also a field with horses at the end of all this and in the middle was a grove of trees. Among the trees were about 20 old cars all overgrown. The rumor was that if you were caught in there, you would get salt pellets shot at you, but that didn't stop us. I still wonder why? Why were these cars here, who did they belong to. Why were they hidden and guarded? I'll never know.
Even farther down, maybe 4 miles down rarely used country roads, there was an old racetrack. I think it was called Green Valley. It had been turned into a cow pasture. The buildings still stood, there were race tickets scattered everywhere. It looked as if one day everyone just disappeared, leaving everything behind to be worn down by time. I stepped on a nail there. It came out the top of my foot. I was with my brother and Caspar.. They helped me hop, they carried me some.. and after a long slow walk, we made it home. I remember how badly it hurt and how funny it was. We had no choice but to struggle home. There was no one around.
One of my favorite memories is sneaking out on the rare foggy nights that came after winter.. taking off my clothes and running barefoot as fast as I could through the leaves, with no fear, except stepping on a snake.. and no disturbance besides the cool whoosh across my face from the silent flight of a startled owl.
There were also the tunnels. The large drainage pipes under these undeveloped lands.. We mapped them with our feet, and tried to guess where they ended. We ran through the empty concrete tubes with our flashlights bouncing into the dank dusty mazes. Sometimes we crawled for hours in small tunnels just to find the end. Skinned knees and elbows, fear of a sudden rainstorm drowning us all.. lost shoes in giant square chambers of swallowing mud. I loved to go so deep that there was no outside light and sit and talk in the dark. It was other worldly, but not so much that you couldn't reassure yourself that reality still existed the moment you climbed out into the sun. When you crossed that thresh hold back into the open air, it was as if the world in the tunnels was a dream.
I would love to reclaim some magic in my life. I wonder if I can.
I grew up in Smithfield and I have touched all the headstones.http://www.birdvillehistory.org/wst_page6.php
Posted on 2006.01.02 at 05:29
You are all very beautiful.
Posted on 2006.01.01 at 00:58
I am wiser and my life is better than last year.
What has changed for you?
Posted on 2005.12.31 at 17:11
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!
Posted on 2005.12.19 at 02:56
Does anyone remember Argus BBS ?
Wild parties, Thursday nights at Bennigans, MajorMud...
Ahhh.. the 90's
Lash, Cobalt, and Sue.
Posted on 2005.12.18 at 18:39
"You are not your""
favorite books, movies, music
Posted on 2005.12.18 at 02:13
"In the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?"
- Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
Posted on 2005.12.13 at 04:14
Posted on 2005.12.11 at 02:19
coin operated boy by the dresden dolls
coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.
and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath
coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.
Posted on 2005.12.02 at 02:43
I heard your favorite song on a motel radio
right by the train tracks with the ghosts passing by
and I slid down tight between scratchy sheets
and thought of the very first night
You slept on top and I was below
after a long night on the road
and you blushed at the waffle house
after rescuing me
from the doldrums of a dark Memphis street
We hit the road and my cd's spun
as we sang along to the beats
When we came to a fork and we choose the road
that took us to Shreveport at dusk
We drove all around the parking garage
and snuck into the ballroom alone
and you lost your ID somewhere up north, so I drank apple martinis alone
stumbling round drunk in some garish casino
miles from a home I didn't have
after a continental breakfast of stale bagels and coffee
we hit the road once again
The world was ok, I was going your way
so we decided to keep each other for awhile.
We ran away on our way back home
and every time I hear your favorite song on a motel radio
I'll remember you blushing, and I'll remember the first night I curled into you to sleep.
Posted on 2005.11.29 at 11:00
"They died because they were the crushed flowers, and not the crushing feet." - Gibran Khalil Gibran
Posted on 2005.11.24 at 05:59
My life is full of colored crates
and post it notes
a dusty bookshelf
stacks of paper
This is what I've filled it with.
I don't even know who you all are
Posted on 2005.11.16 at 15:36
*dances like an anime chick*
that will be all
Posted on 2005.11.05 at 01:41
Today.. I quit smoking...
Decided not to eat mammals anymore.
Posted on 2005.11.04 at 01:34
Posted on 2005.10.29 at 05:03
Posted on 2005.10.28 at 00:34
My love life has been like a parade of star crossed lovers...
Posted on 2005.10.24 at 03:54
You think I'm a fucky flaky girl, all loose in the head. You think I scream for attention and beg for pity. You think everything I ever said was a lie or part of a script I had prepared for you. You think I go around in circles hiding from myself. You think I'm ugly and callous, waiting to pull anyone in for the kill. You think my tears are placed carefully on my cheeks for affect. You think I led you on and led you in as a game. You think whatever it takes.
But, fuck you and your squirrelly little ways and cynical stipulations.. you judgmental prick without one. It's one thing to be hurt.. it's another to demonize someone because you were hurt... to remove your own humanity by taking away theirs. Fuck you for being pretentious and void of compassion, you broken little boy.
Fuck you for thinking the worst.
Fuck you for not having the slightest idea who I was. Fuck you for being incapable of removing your shit tinted glasses. Fuck you for thinking you know me in so little time, fastest assumption in the west. Fuck you for pretending to care. Fuck you for lashing out at me, pelting me with spiteful pebbles. Fuck you for looking into my tear gushing eyes and not seeing me.
One more thing, Fuck you for thinking these words aren't about you.
Posted on 2005.10.23 at 05:05
Heroes in a Half Shell
Posted on 2005.10.13 at 20:02
The world is square and evolution doesn't exist.
Posted on 2005.10.13 at 05:00
When I was in 6th grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Miller. I hadn't met many women like her before. She was a bit of a southern lady. She always looked perfect, like women in magazines from the 50's. She had a very feminine way of thinking and carrying herself. She is the only person I have ever heard use the phrase "That makes me so angry I could spit!" in real life. This utterance was reserved for the WORST of catastrophes. Granted she was an elementary school teacher, but this reserve she held seemed as much a part of her personally as professionally. I wasn't exactly a tomboy, but I was close. You wouldn't catch me in a skirt and I was quiet, but not at all demure. We started off the school year with a confusion about each other that caused a type of undercurrent of conflict. Neither of us knew what to think of each other.
My one year in her class is the most memorable of all my school years, in fact I doubt I could list the names of 5 of my teachers from all my schooling. I mark 6th grade as the last year I really learned anything in school and Mrs. Miller is the reason. At the beginning of the year she told us that if she did not know the answer to the question we asked her, she would tell us the next day. She kept her word. This sort of reliability and open availability of knowledge was great! I can only imagine how many nights I had that poor lady researching for information to answer my many questions.. this was before the internet you know. I learned geography, history, and science that year.. not from the curriculum, but from Mrs. Miller's dedication to teaching children.
Not only did she teach me facts, she taught me that there weren't limits. My first day at kindergarten we were allowed to walk around and play with everything. I went to the table of books and was quickly told that I wasn't allowed to look at them, because we weren't reading yet. I said I can read.. and I was given a dirty look and shoved away. Mrs. Miller made up for that. She did not force me into the box and because of that I was allowed the pleasure of learning again.
She also influenced my personal development as my role model. Now she and I were and are nothing alike, but I still carry little lessons from her about life. There was a new girl in our class. She was hispanic and didn't speak english. She had short hair and she was kind of big and strong looking. I never had a problem with her, but for whatever reason, our classmates decided we had a problem with each other. Maybe it was because I looked the opposite of her, maybe no reason at all. They decided we were going to fight. I had no reason to fight her, nor did she have any reason to fight me, but we were egged on until it was agreed there would be a fight after school. We all went over to the side of the school. I tried to get her to come over to the golf course next door, so that we wouldn't get in trouble for fighting on school grounds, but that didn't work, so we.. two 11 year old girls.. were surrounded by our classmates shouting "Fight! Fight! Fight!". We reluctantly approached each other and started to fight. It was a truly pitiful hair pulling match with a few stomach kicks thrown in. It was at a draw with both of us with our hands on each other heads, pulling for all we had when Mrs. Miller came over yelling "Girls! Girls! Stop it girls!." We got up sheepishly and she made all the kids disperse. After the commotion she pulled me aside and said the words that I doubt I will forget.
She said, "Cats fight, dogs fight, and sometimes even men fight, but ladies never fight."
Those simple little words have a big lesson in them. The lesson of civilization. That was my first and last fight.
We moved before the end of the school year and before I left she taught me one more lesson. Mrs. Miller was generous. She gave her students a ticket for each 100% that they made on their papers. She had a prize cabinet with stickers, candy, and toys. All sorts of fun and interesting things. A sticker was 5 tickets. A larger toy was maybe 50. She stapled the little tickets to our papers and each friday she would open the cabinet and we could buy what we liked. I always made 100's and I saved most of my tickets. I was saving them to see how many I could get. When I learned I was moving, I planned what I would buy with them before I left. I realized I could get a lot of things. I don't know how many I had, but I had a big baggy of them. However, when I went to spend them, she wouldn't let me. She didn't give me an explanation. She just told me I couldn't spend them. I had been saving all year and now the tickets had no value anymore. These little prized tickets.. tickets... tickets... I still don't know why she didn't let me use them. I had earned them. Did she think I stole tickets? Did she not want to because I was not going to be her student anymore? Was she mean? I don't know.
I learned that even people who are supposed to be fair, aren't always fair.
I learned that saving things for someday should be balanced with enjoying things while you can.
I learned that tickets hold no value... only the value you assign them. So I suppose she taught me economics too.
She taught me that I could read all the books if I wanted to.
She taught me how one can carry themselves with grace.
She taught me that the difference animals and men is the ability to choose against instinct.
She taught me how two very different people can still find an affinity.
She taught me that she wasn't perfect.
Thank you Mrs. Miller, I still have your tickets.
Posted on 2005.10.11 at 06:32
What the fuck is up with this!!!
If you are expressing yourself with movement, it is called dancing..
Sign is movement and communication.. just like dance..
one is direct, one can be abstract.. but same boat, Joe.
You can have dancing without music, but you can't have a choir without singing.
Now I understand the human expression of singing.. it is part of a soul yearning to exist externally.. deaf people can sing.. just like they can sob.. but don't call 20 people signing "Like a Prayer" by Madonna with looks of intense concentration a choir!
If you call it that.. there damn well better be singing.
So basically these "choirs" are really just line dancing.. and you don't even want to get me started on line dancing!!! I don't want to tell your achy breaky heart how I feel about that!
Group Signing, not group singing.. get it right.
Posted on 2005.10.11 at 01:15
One of your lj friends posts that they made some cuts on their friends list...
WHO here does NOT immediately check user information to see if they have been cut?
If you don't check, is it because you feel confidant that you are WAY too interesting/loved/special to be cut.. or is it because you don't care... or what?
p.s. I don't want anyone saying they just check to see who ELSE got cut... own up! You are relieved to see your lil name still there.
Posted on 2005.10.10 at 04:54
I decided it was time to shed my winter coat before winter this year.
I removed all hair, except the hair I like.
I washed enough hair to form a baby bunny down the drain.
Why is it that something like shaving can make you feel both masculine and feminine.. having less hair feels feminine, the need to shave feels masculine.
Somewhere in there we feel like hairy ogre-beasts because we are not naturally endowed with nothing more than the feathery fluff of a 16 year old girl.
I feel all Egyptian now.. time for bed.
Posted on 2005.10.09 at 05:16
So... I was taking that friends quiz and it came up with one of the user selections as "undetermined", then it posted an entry that I didn't recognize that was signed "suki" ...
is that a bug? or could it be someone who reads my journal who has admin access on LJ, that the quiz somehow picked up on.
Posted on 2005.10.09 at 04:58
You have a total of 31 friends
You requested to guess 31 entries.
6 were skipped due to invalid content (surprising?).
You made 26 guesses.
You got 25 correct.
Doing the math for you, that means you got 96% correct.
The one I missed was where someone posted a song!!! Dangit! Near Perfection sucks, I would rather do badly than get so close, then miss one.
Posted on 2005.10.05 at 00:20
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise..."
Posted on 2005.10.04 at 01:33
You can select which schools you have attended and which years!
Goodbye pay class reunion sites! Hello LJ.
Posted on 2005.10.03 at 02:46
My co-worker lost 2 family members in the hurricane. Her whole family is in LA. Her seven year old niece just died. She sneaked a hot dog and gulped it down.. later that night she threw up in her sleep and choked to death when it lodged in her throat.
I heard that hot dogs were a major choking hazard, but I wasn't thinking about them choking you AFTER you ate them.
Marshmallows, whole grapes, hard candy, gum, and nuts, are also big hazards.
Posted on 2005.10.02 at 06:30
Maybe you think I am just being difficult.
Maybe you think I am doing it knowingly.
Maybe you think I am doing it blindly.
Maybe you think it will dawn on me and I will understand.
What if you are wrong?
When I asked you if I sapped the enjoyment out of things in your life..
You called it a loaded question, then answered later that we both have the same capacity for enjoyment.. or something to that effect...
I asked you what you meant?
What I meant was.. Do you sometimes feel the same way about me as I do about you?
Did you mean yes?
I am tired of talking to the riddler.. I am not that type of girl.
Posted on 2005.10.02 at 01:10
"frayed but windowsill and , vii not may abort !
it diachronic some on trihedral or and dryad it not
deep in! afresh and.
cake be lancaster not try acquisition try or patti ,
a minos see but wacky it may offertory may be
excel !and o'shea a"
LOOK! the secrets of the universe revealed!
What are they selling?
Posted on 2005.09.27 at 08:26
Zipcode information from www.brainyzip.com
Where I live:
Housing Units: 24035
Land Area: 5.2 square miles
Where I want to live:
Housing Units: 12697
Land Area: 332 square miles
Imagine 10 thousand people a square mile... no wonder I feel crowded.
Posted on 2005.09.26 at 04:11
"You can have all of the arguments you want, as long as you don't have the same arguments twice."
Posted on 2005.09.26 at 01:03
For all you serious meeps out there The Ultimate Meme!
Posted on 2005.09.24 at 03:21
Maybe they felt threatened because we are all online.. we can afford to be online, so we must have extra money.. and we have extra information, because we are online.. dangerous dangerous.. raise the price of living.. yeah yeah, good idea.
Error running style:
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